Eddie McGuire, and the power of privilege

Well. Another day, another abhorrent story of privileged white men spouting offensive nonsense. This most recent example involves Eddie McGuire, Club President of the Collingwood Football Club and Triple M radio host, and his despicable comments last week about how he’d happily donate $50,000 to charity to drown sports journalist Caroline Wilson – disturbing comments which were heartily laughed along with by other prominent football personalities including North Melbourne President James Brayshaw, and former AFL footballers Wayne Carey and Danny Frawley.

This sickening exchange was made last Monday on Triple M in the lead-up to the MCG’s “Big Freeze” event to raise money for Motor Neurone Disease, and full audio and a transcript of the comments can be found here. The content is undoubtedly gross, but it is worth hearing for yourself to understand how disturbing the conversation truly is.

This afternoon James Brayshaw apologised on-air on Triple M for his part in the conversation, and AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan has condemned the comments – although he stopped short of actually taking any action against the men involved.

Danny Frawley is apparently the only one of the group to have reached out to apologise to Ms Wilson herself so far – mind you, a sincere apology is the least he could do after not only laughing along with Eddie’s initial comments, but also adding that he would “actually jump in and make sure she doesn’t (come back up) — I’ll hold her under, Ed.”

McGuire himself has since come out and issued an offensive non-apology, stating that the conversation was “in the spirit of the fun on the day,” and that he is “really disappointed that these comments have led to these feelings from people.” Really, Eddie? That’s the best you can do?

Well I’m disappointed too Eddie, so here’s some feelings for you: How dare you place the blame on those who are offended by your repulsive attitude towards women, instead of accepting responsibility and actually apologising for the pain you have caused? Jokes about inflicting any kind of violence upon another person, regardless of their gender, are unnecessary, not funny and always in poor taste. Making those jokes about women – in a country where one woman is murdered every week by a partner or ex-partner, and one in three will experience physical violence since the age of 15 – is disgusting. And all of this coming to light during a round which featured a ‘White Ribbon Day’ game intended to increase awareness of Violence Against Women, no less. Are you kidding me, Eddie?

You cannot blame ignorance for this anymore – this is the climate and culture that we live in, and you cannot ignore that context when making these sorts of sick so-called jokes or “banter”, as you call it. You claim to find violence against women to be”abhorrent”, yet seem oblivious to the fact that your own vile, misogynist language and behaviour is contributing to this violence. Wake up, Eddie, you’re part of the problem.

The fact that it took five days for these comments to come to light is very telling of the culture within the AFL to excuse, minimise and trivialise it’s own inherent sexism and misogyny, whilst hypocritically claiming to be committed to matters of gender equality and the prevention of violence against women.

And let’s not forget, these comments are not without precedent. Not only has Eddie repeatedly come under fire before for insensitive and downright offensive comments (see this brief account here), but he also has a history with Caroline Wilson herself – she admits that their professional relationship has been “on the brink” in the past, and she recently wrote an article questioning whether McGuire should consider leaving Collingwood after his almost 20 year reign as President. The fact that he singled out Wilson, one of the most prominent female sports journalists in the old boys’ club of AFL and a woman who claims to be one of few who will “call out” McGuire, is no coincidence – and it only proves him to be a cowardly bully trying to intimidate and humiliate women who dare question him.

The overwhelming response to Eddie and co’s disgusting comments has understandably been one of outrage, with several journalists writing excellent pieces on exactly why we shouldn’t tolerate this kind of behaviour and the culture of violence that it perpetuates (see here, and here). However, the response that moved me the most was that by Alex Dyson from Triple J’s Breakfast program – a generally lighthearted morning radio show which discusses current events from time to time, but not known for it’s deep discussions or the personal views of presenters.

However, this morning was different. After a news bulletin briefly mentioning the controversy, Alex brought up his feelings on the issue to discuss with his co-host Matt Okine and newsreader Ruby Jones, commenting that he was “actually very upset” and going on to tear down Eddie McGuire’s poor attempt at an apology. It was extremely moving to hear the emotion in Alex’s voice as he spoke of women in his life who have been affected by violence committed by men, and how angry it made him that even as the victims of this violence, “the burden of keeping the secret is on them (the women).” It was an unexpected and affecting moment of radio that showed an utmost respect for women and compassion for the violence that so many face – and one that Eddie McGuire and his fellow commentators could learn from.

Taking a stand

Every day we are hearing more and more about how ending violence against women is everyone’s responsibility, and how we should all do what we can in our own lives to effect change. This “call to action” is being made everywhere – I made it myself in my previous post on Rosie Batty and her National Press Club address. Perhaps there are people wondering what type of scenarios would give them an opportunity to do this, and even if these opportunities were to present themselves, what the point would be of ‘making a fuss’ and taking a stand.

I understand how difficult it can be to do the right thing sometimes. I understand that it can be awkward, embarassing, even scary sometimes to call out others for their offensive behaviour, and that we don’t always act in the graceful and heroic way that we wish we could. I understand all of this because I was recently presented with such opportunities, and I failed.

Just this week there were two instances when I wish I had been braver and taken a stand.

The first was in a group. I overheard a guy who I don’t know all that well, but who seems to be a good person, saying that his company was “getting raped” by another in one specific area of sales. This is a common turn of phrase that I’ve heard many times before, mostly in the context of sport and one team dominating another. Some people might ask why this is a problem – it isn’t directed at anyone, and it’s not meant to offend. That may be true, but it is still very damaging language. Rape isn’t something that a company, or a team does to another; it’s a horrible act of violence that is done by a person or group of people to another. That guy’s business wasn’t raped, but I was, and it’s really hurtful to hear a word that brings me so much pain be used so flippantly. It also densensitises us to these kinds of violent crimes by hearing the terms used out of context, and that is a very dangerous thing in itself.

I wish I could say that I cut in and told him as much – but I didn’t. I hesitated, slightly shocked, and then whilst I weighed up the embarrassment I might cause to himself or the group to call attention to it, the moment had gone. Of course, I should never have cared who might feel embarrassed: to cut in and correct this guy wouldn’t have been an effort to tear him down and shame him, but to educate him on something I’m sure he had not even considered. I know better, but in the moment I didn’t practice what I preach, and instead let the conversation carry on while my mind still lingered on his words.

The second incident was out at a crowded nightclub, walking past a security guard to a staircase with my friend when I felt him guide me past by first touching my shoulder, then brushing his hand over my arse. It was so deliberately subtle that it took me a second to realise that he had done it on purpose – and was confirmed when my friend turned to tell me he had just groped her as well.

Again, I was shocked, and turned to look back at the guard – but by now we were halfway up the stairs and instead of yelling at the guy for assaulting us like I wish I had, I kept following my friend, and suppressed the thought of how many other women he had possibly groped that night. It infuriates me that some men think they have the right to touch another person’s body like that without permission. It makes me want to angry-cry that so many women feel too helpless, shocked and vulnerable in situations like that to call it out, and it disappoints and saddens me that I was one of them.

Now I’ll be honest, this week I have been physically exhausted and a little emotionally fragile, and these things may have factored into the fact that I failed to say anything in both instances – but I can’t be certain my behaviour would have been any different if that weren’t the case. I have this inner battle that I face every day when I think, speak or write about issues of violence against women. Stand up for what’s right, but don’t annoy people. Call out sexism and gender inequality, but don’t sound like a “ranty feminist.”

Of course, these ideas conflict with what I truly believe in – I am a proud feminist and some of my favourite female role models could be described as ‘ranty’. I encourage speaking up for what you believe in and think that annoying a few people is a small price to pay for making the world a better place. I’m getting better, but for someone who has grown up incessantly apologising for everything, avoiding confrontation and desperately trying, above all else, to never offend or disappoint anyone, I am still building the skills to be the person I want to be and effectively and intelligently call out sexism, inequality and offensive behaviour every time.

I still have a very clear memory of the first time I saw a young woman successfully stand up to sexual violence. The setting was an underage rave, and the young woman was a good friend of mine. I was in a group of several female friends and we would have only been about 14 or 15 years old, but that didn’t stop older guys from making creepy comments, leering at us or in this case, groping our young bodies. As the night came to a close, the large crowd tried to exit out the same back door, and one despicable man saw this as a prime opportunity to assault my friend – presumably thinking he could get away with it with so many people squished together, as some men do. He grabbed her arse, and without hesitation she spun around and said, very loudly and assertively, “HANDS OFF, MATE!”

I don’t really remember his reaction to be honest, but I don’t think he dared say a word or lay another finger on her. I remember my own though – I thought she was amazing. I still do. I was stunned that she had the confidence and the balls to call out an older guy like that and hold him accountable for his despicable actions. It’s a skill to be able to immediately, and without hesitation or fear, address a person who has just violated your body in such a way – and sadly it isn’t a skill that many young women (or women of any age, for that matter) possess. This is through no fault of our own: it simply goes against what we are ritually taught to do if such a thing occurs, which is to just ignore it, move away quickly and avoid the person; don’t risk provoking a worse attack. Many bystanders will do the same thing. The problem with this attitude is that it will never produce change: entitled men will continue to harass women in nightclubs, on the street, on public transport, in their bedrooms and elsewhere with no fear of being called on it or held accountable for their sickening actions.

Bystanders to these incidents, I have a request to make of you: call it out. Don’t sit by, and allow these kinds of incidents to continue. Whether it is witnessing a physical assault, or overhearing an inappropriate conversation, taking a stand really can make a huge difference to changing the culture that surrounds violence against women. Yes, it is hard, but it is SO important. The more of these difficult, awkward conversations and exchanges we have, the less difficult and awkward they’ll be – because next time it might be three or four people in the group who say “Hey man, that’s not ok,” when a guy uses the word ‘rape’ offensively. Next time that an act of sexual harassment or assault occurs in public, bystanders who witness it might stand up for the victim and help her to feel safer rather than just walking by and passing the guy off as a common creep.

By working together and taking responsibility for the difference we each can make in our own lives and our own networks, we really can work to prevent violence against women from occurring.

Note: I have since contacted the organisers of the event at which the security guard was working, as well as the venue themselves, and have submitted a formal complaint. I hope that my complaint will be taken seriously and that the employers of this man understand the danger in allowing sexual offenders, no matter what their offence is, to continue to violate women without discipline or accountability.

Role models & Rosie Batty

Role models are the people we look up to, who set a positive example to follow, and who lead us in the right direction when we are seeking guidance. The term is often used with regard to those successful in their field, especially in sport, business or the arts, and rightfully so. It is particularly reserved for those who are not only successful, but who also use their platform for the good of others in some respect.

Occasionally though, a role model stems from an unlikely path and blows you away with their words and their actions. Last week, on Wednesday June 3rd, I was fortunate to meet such a person. Along with a number of survivor advocates, I had been invited to attend the launch of the Our Watch awards, which aim to recognise and encourage exemplary reporting to end violence against women. The launch was held at the National Press Club in Canberra and as Our Watch Ambassador and an inspiring speaker on family violence, Rosie Batty introduced the inaugural awards with an official address to the press club, televised live to the nation, on why prevention of violence against women is so important and how everyone can play their part – especially those working in the media.

I’ll be honest: I was shocked (and honoured) to be invited in the first place. The invitation to be flown interstate to see Rosie Batty speak and support a cause which is so close to my heart, let alone at such an important event in a revered venue like the NPC with such an influential audience, was a welcome surprise indeed.

I knew that Rosie’s words would be inspiring; I had only seen snippets of her speeches and interviews in the media but it was enough to detect her clear passion and determination when speaking out about family violence. Since losing her son in a tragic, public assault by his father in February 2014, Rosie has been a tireless advocate for victims and survivors of family violence – in the 134 days since being awarded the Australian of The Year in January 2015, she has appeared publicly over 72 times. What I didn’t know was just HOW inspiring this amazing woman could be, and how much her address would affect me personally.

Rosie was incredibly articulate with regard to difficult questions on legal matters, public policy and the complexities of violence, expertly addressing the informed media and the general public at home in a way that was both professional and relatable. She managed to fit an astounding number of key messages into one speech about family violence and it’s surrounding culture – covering everything from the prevention education needed in schools and sporting clubs, to gender inequality in politics and the media, to tearing down the notion of victim-blaming and misinformed perceptions of violence.

Rosie also appeared to be very well-versed in the prevalence of violence against women and their children in Australia, the statistics pertaining to it, the culture that gives rise to this violence, the contributing factors and the changes that need to be made in all areas in order to combat this “epidemic”.

Rosie spoke several times about the fact that VAW is “a gender issue,” and called on journalists to educate themselves on the links between this violence and gender inequality in order to “join the dots” and write informed, compassionate reports which connect individual incidents to a the broader culture of gender-based violence. She also clearly and successfully addressed the argument that “not all men are bad,” – the retort that so many have in response to those speaking out about men’s violence against women – and her poignant words were a stark reminder of why we need to talk about this violence at all. To quote Rosie:

“It is not that we’re saying that all men are bad; clearly they’re not. I’ve got a wonderful father and three great brothers. And I had a beautiful son.”

As a bereaved mother and a victim of family violence, there is an immediate authenticity and power in Rosie’s words. Her words were imbued with emotion, advocating for the countless women across Australia who are currently victims of this horrendous violence, living in fear for their children and themselves. There is a fierce determination that drives her, which many have attributed (including Rosie herself) to not wanting Luke’s death to be in vain. Rosie’s strength, courage and bravery in the aftermath of such a tragedy are beyond admirable – she is a warrior and far and away the most impressive person I have ever had the good fortune to meet. Though we are tied together through our trauma, both having been on the receiving end of violent acts by dangerous men, I consider myself lucky to have witnessed such an incredibly powerful and moving address by such an inspiring woman.

A worthy Australian of The Year and a true role model, indeed.

I implore everyone to watch the full address here, and listen to her call to action – with two women a week now being murdered in Australia at the hands of violent men, the time to act is now.

White Ribbon Day

Today is White Ribbon Day – the International Day to Eliminate Violence Against Women.

I find it hard to know what to say, because although this day is incredibly important every year to raise awareness and promote change, this year is different for me. I never thought that a day like today would hold such personal significance in my life. I didn’t think that I would ever be one of the women who experience gender-based violence; I didn’t think that I would contribute to the horrifying statistics on Violence Against Women in Australia. I didn’t think it would happen to me.

The misconception that the women who experience these kinds of violence are in any way ‘different’ from ourselves is one of the damaging fallacies that allow people to separate themselves from the issue, and avoid seeing it as the community-wide, nationwide epidemic that it really is. The same goes for the men who commit this violence – yes, not all men are violent and the men who commit homicide against their wives and partners are certainly at the extreme end of the scale. But move away from rape and murder and further towards controlling behaviour, emotional abuse, street harassment, objectification and even making sexist comments and jokes , and you will find that the proportion of men who participate are a lot higher. It all contributes to Violence Against Women and a violence-supportive culture.

Violence Against Women affects people across all of society, from all cultural and socio-economic backgrounds. It doesn’t discriminate against rich women or poor women, young or old, celebrity or civilian – ALL women are affected by this violence. And by extension, all of society is too.

The statistics show that nearly every week in Australia, a woman is killed by her partner or ex-partner – but this year a horrifying new record has been set. We have already reached 52 unnecessary deaths of women in those circumstances, and it is only November.

It has become all too common to turn on the television or open the newspaper to a story of a woman who has been murdered in an act of unfathomable violence and cruelty – women like Jill Meagher, Mayang Prasetyo, Lisa Harnum, Tracey Connelly and Warriena Wright. And for every high-profile story we hear in the news there are countless others who die in silence, whose stories are not deemed newsworthy. Of those that are reported on, some are written in such a dehumanising, degrading way that the coverage actually contributes to victim-blaming stereotypes and support the very dangerous, violence-supportive attitudes that we should be trying to eradicate – one need look no further than discussions regarding the coverage of the murders of Mayang Prasetyo here or Tracey Connelly here.

How long must we wait before we take action and stand up for what is right? How much longer can we continue to excuse rape jokes, justify sexist behaviour and trivialise women’s experiences of misogyny and harassment, and ignore the obvious links between these and Violence Against Women? As Edmund Burke famously said, and was recently requoted by the impressive Emma Watson in her UN Women HeForShe speech on gender equality: “All that is needed for the forces of evil to triumph is for good men and women to do nothing.”

We know that societal, attitudinal change takes a long time for progress to be seen: public campaigns on the dangers of smoking, drink/driving and drug use have persisted for decades with varying degrees of success. But we cannot do nothing. We MUST act. It is our national shame to bear that so many women and their children are suffering this violence and that the statistics are growing.

Positive actions are being taken and it is empowering to see people stand up for what is right – the recent deportation of serial misogynist and professional douchebag Julien Blanc is a prime example of community action for good. Victoria is lucky to have Police Commissioner Ken Lay as a representative who understands issues of Violence Against Women and wholeheartedly condemns them. But we need action on every level to make a real difference. We need people to ask themselves what they can do to make a change, and then do it. Speak up for what is important. Don’t wait until yourself or a loved one is personally affected by this violence to take action.

To quote the lovely Emma Watson again: “Ask yourself: if not me, who? If not now, when?”

Violence Against Women – it’s common, horrifying, and everyone’s business.

Violence against women is more than an issue for police or our legal system to deal with. It is more than the sensationalised stories we hear in the newspapers, and it is more than ‘monsters’ lurking in dark alleyways – it is serious, common and often occurs in the home. In Australia, 1 in 5 women aged over 15 has experienced sexual violence. One woman is killed every week in Australia by a current or former partner. And in Victoria, violence against women is the number one contributor to death and disability in women aged 15-44. These statistics are abhorrent and unacceptable, and it is everyone’s responsibility to change them.

I turned 24 years old last week and I already know the devastating consequences of violence against women firsthand. I was sexually assaulted two years ago and it was a horrific event that has impacted my life forever – and I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

I kept it to myself for over a year before I realised I needed help. At first I didn’t even properly recognise the incident for what it truly was – rape – and felt ashamed and humiliated about what had happened to me. I had been trying to forget it and just move on with my life, but I couldn’t. I struggled immensely through my last semester of university, feeling as though every small hurdle was near impossible. I was emotionally unstable and often felt distant from family and friends, constantly trying to cover up my inner turmoil lest someone learn the truth. I couldn’t understand why life felt so difficult for me or why I couldn’t get it together. I felt confused and exhausted all the time, haunted by memories and terrifying flashbacks of the assault that would crash down on me as waves of anxiety. I felt that I couldn’t tell anyone, and I blamed myself even though I had done nothing to deserve such a disgusting violation of human rights. I blamed myself for not being careful enough, for not protecting myself well enough – because that is what society teaches young women.

Women are taught from a very young age that it is our responsibility to avoid acts of violence. We learn how to assess every situation, every risk factor, every moment where we perceive there to be a potential threat of violence, and how to act accordingly. We behave this way with the full awareness that at any moment we may be overpowered, intimidated or manipulated and become the victim of men’s violence against women – and if we are, there isn’t much we can do about it. We learn to watch our drinks, wear longer skirts, sit in the back seat of the taxi, never walk alone at night, watch over our shoulders, have our car keys ready in the ‘stabbing’ position, text our friends when we get home safe, have our phoned braced for the emergency number, never look a creepy man in the eye, never reply to a disgusting or offensive comment from a man on the street… never provoke an attack on ourselves.

And what do we teach men? We teach young men that women are prizes to be won, objects to be acquired and lesser beings, and that their bodies are free to be commented on, objectified or even touched. That if a woman is wearing revealing clothing she’s a whore or a slut and ‘wants it’. If she declines a man’s advances, she’s frigid. That ‘bitch’ and ‘slut’ are words that can be ascribed to any woman whom you feel anger or dislike for, regardless of the circumstances. We teach men that their role is the dominant one, that they have the upper hand and automatic control in a relationship, and if they don’t they are ‘whipped’ or allowing their partner to ‘wear the pants.’ We teach young boys not to treat girls as equals or challenge the other boys who don’t, but to ‘be a man’ and not to stand out from the crowd, because if you do you’ll be called a bitch, or a pussy – derogatory words relating back to women.

It took me a long time to reflect on some of these attitudes properly and see the problem, because they are so deeply ingrained in our society as the norm. There is so much wrong with the way that we, as a society, educate young men and women and tell them that they should act and behave in order to fit a mould, and it is incredibly damaging. I know now that the onus should not be on victims to protect themselves from violence, but on offenders not to commit these horrendous crimes in the first place, as well as on bystanders to act in condemning dangerous behaviours and attitudes. I know that all acts of violence against women are inexcusable, and NEVER the victim’s fault. A man raped me because he chose to. Because he felt entitled to my body, even without my consent.

We need to understand that poor attitudes towards women, rigid ideas about gender roles and the imbalance of power between men and women are all absolutely connected to acts of violence against women. Everyday misogyny and sexism are rife in western society and continue to be systemic, widespread issues. Every time we allow a sexist or derogatory comment or joke to go by unquestioned, we are supporting a culture that degrades and disrespects women, and it is this culture which leads to such horrendous violence. We need to challenge these attitudes in everyday life in order to make real change. Abuse thrives in silence, and the silence surrounding violence against women protects perpetrators and shames victims. We need to break this silence, and hold perpetrators accountable. We need to stop focusing on the victims and what they should have done, and start changing our attitudes.

There is no excuse whatsoever for violence against women and it is never the victim’s fault. It is everybody’s responsibility to create a culture that stops justifying and trivialising violence against women and starts supporting the victims of these horrific crimes – because if we aren’t supporting the victims, we’re supporting the perpetrators.

VicHealth NCAS survey launch

It has been exactly one month since I have last posted, but there’s good reason for it. It has been an emotional and overwhelming time – I have finally made it publicly known that I have experienced sexual violence and the support I have received from everyone has been beyond amazing. I am very lucky to not only have the most lovely friends and family behind me, but also wonderful colleagues and acquaintances who understand the importance of spreading awareness and changing attitudes in relation to all Violence Against Women.

In addition to all of that, I had been working towards a very significant event which happened yesterday – alongside my fellow survivor advocates Jane and Kristy, I was very fortunate to be involved with the launch of the VicHealth 2013 National Community Attitudes Survey (NCAS) results in Melbourne, which focused on the attitudes of Australians towards Violence Against Women. For someone who has never been on that side of a large-scale media event such as the NCAS launch, it was an eye-opening event. Myself and the other survivor advocates who attended were able to hear passionate and inspiring speeches by an impressive list of attendees, including:
– MC, former AFL footballer and self-proclaimed feminist, Luke Ablett
– The Minister Assisting the Prime Minister for Women, Senator Michaelia Cash
– Highly respected sociologist and co-author of the report, Dr Michael Flood
– VicHealth CEO Jerril Rechter
– Chief Commissioner of Victoria Police, Ken Lay, and my favourite,
– Survivor, amazing woman and all-around public speaking superstar Kristy McKellar.

While some of the findings were deeply shocking, concerning and upsetting to hear (and I will refer to them in later posts), I want to focus on the positives for now. The passion of everyone involved in the event was clear from the outset, and their dedication to this important cause and not only reporting on findings but also recognising ways in which we can promote change was nothing short of inspiring. A number of times I felt a lump in my throat as I identified with the words of the many speakers and detected the emotion in their pleas for action. And as Kristy spoke of the horror she had not only endured but amazingly, survived, I had to look away so that I wouldn’t burst into tears. The bravery it took for her to stand up and tell her story in front of the crowd as well as the many cameras present was astonishing to me, and she managed to do it so eloquently and with such presence. It was a moment I’ll never forget.

In the lead-up to this event I had many thoughts and feelings about everything, which were often even too confusing and jumbled for this blog. So in the next few days or weeks, and with the time to digest the events of yesterday and the implications of the survey findings, I believe I will more than make up for lost time with plenty of ranty (but worthwhile!) posts. For now, here is a very brief video from the events of yesterday, featuring but a few of the powerful speakers: